Regardless of the circumstance, when their is failure present, forgiveness is required to move forward. Without it, at some point, we turn around and everything that seemed to be in the rear view mirror, is now right back in front of us. Stirring up new issues.
As a mom, one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve experienced has been accepting that my children will experience failure and rejection as they figure out their own paths in life. As most parents do, I desire to see them succeed. The painstaking reality is I can’t keep them those experiences from them. They will have times where they doubt themselves, make poor choices, or come face to face with rejection. I take it personally- too much I’m sure.
How did I get here?
Through my divorce I tied myself to the idea of “they didn’t ask for this”. Though true, “this” slowly snowballed into meaning just about anything. I can’t show up to the game, they didn’t ask for this, by any means necessary show up. They are challenged with inconsistency, “they didn’t ask for this“, I need to make up the difference. If you’ve experienced shared custody – two households, different standards and rules etc. you know it breeds inconsistency in children. For a few years now I’ve felt that I have to make up for this now being a part of their lives. It’s my responsibility to fill in the gaps. The unfortunate reality is, they have to learn to manage all of those parts. I can do everything in my power to be a great mom who models behaviors that I feel will help them be successful and remove the inconsistencies, and they will still have to make the necessary adjustments on their own. While I can support them, I can’t do it for them. At times, they will still to fail, doubt themselves and even face rejection. And you know what, I hate it. I largely feel like I’ve done this to them. The things that I’ve been trying to keep them from going through actually show up for all of us at some point. The truth is I constantly find myself trying to make up for the divorce because I’ve never forgiven myself for it.
Now that my older boys are entering young adulthood, sometimes, all I see is what my shortcomings. I find myself taking ownership of the things that I’ve modeled that they just don’t do (yet, hopefully). They are great kids, who are still kids, learning to take on the responsibilities that will come with managing their own lives. As their mom, I desperately want to just take the tools I’ve put in their hands, and use them for them, until they finally pick them up and build for themselves. Learning to transition from being the mom of young children to that of young adults is a challenge all by itself. The let go struggle is real! For me, it’s been exasperated because I’ve fallen into this rhythm of walking in unforgiveness for myself.
It’s like a closed gate.
I’m trying to give myself the grace to release the control, allow the failures, allow them to experience the stuff that my mamma eyes and heart already see and feel. Truth be told some of it is byproduct of our family unit being broken and some of it is just life. I’ve done a pretty good job of seeing only through the eyes of the divorce they didn’t ask for. It’s like I closed gate that I can’t get through! I never realized that I was the one with the key the whole time.
Looking myself in the eyes, I admit, I’ve not forgiven myself for the divorce. That one action has caused me to assume the responsibility for everything my children fail to do because, of course, they didn’t ask for this. I accepted the end of the marriage and I fully believe it was the right thing to do. I took the consequences that come with that personally. It became my responsibility to stop the trickle down effect on children through divorce. It’s not fair that they have to figure out how to navigate, grow and learn to be adults through two separate paths but here we are. I can’t control what’s out of my control – ouch!
Walking in forgiveness for myself.
So how do I change this? Well, it starts with me forgiving myself. If God himself takes all things and causes them to work for my good, why would I be against that? Walking in un-forgiveness with myself won’t allow any of the hardships or mistakes that He’s already forgiven me for to reap greater (good) in my life. I’ll be stuck behind the closed gate in a perpetual state of “making up the difference” forever. It’s a little churchy but hear me out. Let go and let God is true. Sure, there are some things that my children will have to contend with because of the divorce. It’s the unfortunate consequence to the reality. There’s also plenty that just comes with the nature of the world we live in. So, it’s time for a step up in faith. I have to allow those parts that I’d rather my children not experience come out so they become equipped to navigate the waters on their own. I have to allow God, to assert His power over that which my children must contend with. That starts with forgiving myself and giving God the room to be God.
Self Forgiveness. Easier said than done.
There have been a lot of these moments in the last three years. Growth is oddly painful and satisfying. In this, I have to give myself the same grace I give others. Doesn’t mean it will be easy but I’m so ready for the step up from carrying the weight of the past. My mamma heart will still have the desire to make it all go away. Knowing that there is space for God to do good with even the obstacles we create for ourselves isn’t enough. We have to allow it and make room for Him to take over. Looking in the mirror, I asked myself, am I really in the posture of faith that I say I have. The answer for me, was a pretty painful no. Growing in faith is like walking up a staircase. There’s a constant climb upwards and it requires personal action and personal forgiveness for that which we fail at along the way. It’s time to let myself off the hook and climb.
And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Romans 5:5NIV
Take the next step with me.
Is there an area in your life or a mistake that you’ve made that you have not forgiven yourself for? Download this one page devotional reference to start your path to personal forgiveness and step up your faith by allowing God to turn it around for good.
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