One more year. - Elle Dean

I made it. I’ve made it and actually managed to be ok with what I’ve done this past year. It may sound a bit far fetched but one of the most difficult things for me to do is be proud of my own accomplishments. Big or small, I am extremely hard on myself. For as long as I can remember I’ve never had to wait for someone else to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough or that my accomplishments were not worth celebrating – I reinforced that belief in myself before anyone else could try. I know that behavior was birthed out of experiences in my life that took place likely before I can even remember. The history is there, embedded deep within me, and I have given it the breath of life. Perhaps as a way to avoid the subconscious, inevitable feelings of “not enough” from others. I’m no therapist but I do know myself. For the first time, I’m able to accept and be proud of the passions I’ve shared with the world this past year. My first official year of one in more ways than one. One year in this space and forty one years of life! A small part of my heart poured out into the world. I’ve been scared and filled with anxiety, feared the unknown impact of my words, stared into the face of my own fears, struggled with many aspects of single parenting and so much more.

Countless times I’ve been reminded to my core, “ There is no fear in love” – 1 John 4:18. What I know without a doubt is that loving myself drives out fear. Just as the scripture says. It really does apply to everything. God’s perfect love for me drives out all fear and I am no longer in the business of punishing myself.

Love without fear first John chapter four verse eighteen.

Recently I reflected on the journey in this last year in an Instagram post. I didn’t do everything I planned, frankly at times I didn’t even think about trying. There was just something extremely freeing in allowing myself to breathe and be still. Taking the time to not worry about being in control or being able to do a long list of things. I’m not saying be comfortable in laziness but I am saying there is benefit to recognizing the growth that needs to happen in yourself before you can be elevated. I’ve previously written about perfectionism (you can read it by clicking here) and when I did I had no idea that just knowing that I lean heavily into this idea of perfectionism I would unravel such a tremendous amount of learning and growing in my life in a short amount of time. Some of it was, and still is pretty uncomfortable!

Here’s what I uncovered.

I tie my value to my doing. A lot. Thank you friend who calls me out on this and reminds me that doing does not equal value. I am good and valuable outside of all the “things” I do.
Perfectionism is a form of fear. Living in fear is living with daily torment. The worst part of this is that when you struggle with this you are tormenting yourself! Yep, let that sink in. This issue with imposter syndrome or anxiety, I’m bringing it on myself. Here’s a great podcast episode unwrapping this – click here to listen, then listen to it again.
Healing old wounds can sometimes uncover new ones. Sounds fun, right? Maybe not but freedom from all the things lives here.
Rest is necessary. Turn off the noise. We can and should have time to go out, live, and experience – and we can and should have both regular rest and whole seasons of rest when needed.
Having realistic expectations does not mean having low expectations. Meaning, when people show you who they are, believe them. As much as I want to tie super high expectations to others (and myself) if I’m being told, “this is NOT who I am” by someone, I need to believe them. There is enough love and grace to cover it – because, Jesus!

I’ve done some things in one more year.

Maybe not the long list of self proclaimed things that will make me look accomplished but things that actually have real life value. Who really cares what it looks like. Living out your passion and purpose should mean living a genuine and authentic life. I’ve built relationships, nurtured friendships, learned myself and also learned to stop believing being physically exhausted is ok. Can’t forget about the challenging yet rewarding minutes, hours, and days being mom in a very interesting teenage season of life. I recognize that my entire life is in service to God. Not just in my church, but also in my home, community, social spaces, co-parenting relationship, and professional spaces. Every single place I have a part in is in service to God. I don’t even need to know why anymore! What I do know is this, the life I’m uncovering after 41 years is so much more rewarding than the one I lived most of my adult life stuck to in my mind. Still living out this crazy year in uncertain circumstances and still turning one year older, both myself and this extension of myself – ElleDean. One more year. Let’s do this!